Tech Support Problems(Real)

Here are some conversations, which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer.  I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine.  Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem.  We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No.  Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Job Rules

1) Never walk without a document in your hands 

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2) Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3) Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4) Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even

though you're being a devious weasel.

5) Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6) Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read  magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 

7) Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under  extreme pressure.

8) Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9) Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10) MOST IMPORTANT:

DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Funny Stuff

Cross-examination

Counsel: The cross-examination did not seem to worry you at all. Have you had any previous experience?

Client: Three wives.

Post Scriptum

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother?  How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know.  But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS.  Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

True Love?

The millionaire, examining a prospective son-in-law, demanded:

"Would you love my daughter just as much if she were poor?"

"Yes, of course, sir."

"Then you can't have her. We don't want any idiots in this family."

Confession

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

Are We Even?

Early in the morning the housewives of two neighboring houses met each other and chatted. One asked another:

- You know, dear, I'm worried about you. Is everything okay with you or are you feeling not that good? I am wondering as I have seen the doctor left your house at 2AM in the morning yesterday.

- Why, dear, I don't shout that a war has started to the whole neighborhood only because the colonel has been leaving your house every morning!

Crocodiles Against Mother-in-law

Telephone rings in a house.  A man picks up the phone. The agitated voice on the other end began to shout something about a terrible accident.

- Wait a moment, slow down, please, - the man said, - I can't get a thing what you are talking about.

The person on the other end of the line calmed a little and began again. Finally the man got it that it is the director of the local zoo who is calling him and with certain apprehension it dawned on him that his wife and mother-in-law were supposed to visit the zoo this same morning.

- So, what have happened? - the man asked.

- But I am telling you the last ten minutes already! - the zoo director yelled in frustration, - It was the terrible accident! Your mother-in-law fell into the crocodile pool!

- Oh, yeah?! - now the man yelled back, - They are your crocodiles! So YOU save them!

The usual stuff, really...

Nancy is in bed with her lover, Bill, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy's house, she picks up the receiver. Bill looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation...

"Hello?" says Nancy. "Oh,hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye."

As she hangs up the phone, Bill asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," Nancy smiles, "that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."